Field Notes From Someone Who Feels “Too Much”
I’ve been trying to think about my emotions differently lately.
Not as something to fix or manage, but more like… the weather? Sometimes it’s light and kind of nice. Sometimes it rolls in fast, and I feel totally off-balance, like I missed a warning sign somewhere. And sometimes it’s just heavy for no clear reason, like the air got thicker overnight.
I’ve always been told, in one way or another, that I feel too much. I’m being too sensitive, or reactive, too intense, too (fill in the blank). And for so long, I thought that meant I needed to learn to contain myself. I got really good at holding things in, smoothing them over, and wrapping them up in a neat little package to present to others in a way that wasn't overwhelming. I started to intellectualize my feelings because if I could understand them, I wouldn’t have to feel them. But that doesn't really work, we know that, right?
Because the thing is, feelings don’t just disappear because they’re inconvenient! They hang around, and build, and show up sideways. And then something small happens, and suddenly I’m crying in a way that feels disproportionate, until I realize it’s not really about that one thing.
Crying used to make me think I had let the feelings win. I would apologize for it and try to hide it or rush through it. Get it over with. Move on. But lately, I’ve been trying something else, which is honestly very simple and also kind of hard: just letting it be. Letting myself cry without immediately trying to shut it down, explain it, or fix whatever caused it. Just letting it happen for as long as it needs to.
Surprisingly, it doesn’t feel like spiraling forever. It actually passes faster when I stop fighting it (most of the time, like if we don’t include my therapy session last week, where I sobbed uncontrollably for the whole hour). Then there’s usually a moment after (maybe right after or hours after) where everything feels a little clearer, like my body did something it needed to do and now things are… quieter.
I’ve been paying attention to that. So here are some little mental “field notes” I keep noticing:
It’s rarely just about the thing in front of me
My body usually knows before I do
The urge to stop is sometimes stronger than the feeling itself
It moves through faster if I let it
None of this is new, but it feels new to me to actually trust it. I think a lot of us were taught to keep it together. To not be overwhelming. To not make other people uncomfortable. To not be “a lot.” But feeling a lot is kind of part of being here. Like, grief, joy, fear, love, it’s all BIG. It’s not tidy.
I don’t really want to feel less anymore. I’m still figuring this out. I often catch myself trying to shut it down or explain it away or say “I’m fine” when I’m not. But I’m getting a little better at staying, and letting the feeling happen and trusting it will move.
So I guess these are my notes, for now:
I don’t think I’m too much.
I think I just learned to live in spaces that were too small.
And I’m trying, slowly, to take up a little more room.